"Don’t try to hide the mistakes I’ve made this time. But please try and listen. Cause I’m breaking my heart tonight, so you can see what’s inside."
-The Rocket Summer:) (What We Hate, We Make)
I’ve begun holding grudges. My ability to forgive is lacking.
Temptation whispers in my ear, and I allow it.
I expect things to happen on their own. I let everything control me, rather than myself. But I’m building motivation.
Five years, and this disorder has never fully left me.
My self-confidence is shot. I’m more self conscious and jealous than I’ve ever been. I used to be able to look at someone, and go “Wow she’s pretty.” Now I look at someone and say, “I wish I looked like that.” I don’t think I’m ever really enough for anyone, given past situations.
I smile on the outside, but I go home and drown in sorrow, sometimes without reason. I’ve lost a lot, and I feel such a big void that has yet to be filled. It doesn’t help that I feel alone even in crowds. I hate that.
I try to meet everyone’s expectations instead of doing what is right for me, and reaching my own goals. I’ve got to learn to let go, and just do what I need to do to accomplish my dreams and goals.
I cling to the past and cannot move forward easily anymore. Pieces of the past haunt me to the point that I feel sickened. I don’t forgive and forget, but I forgive and let go. I need to get that back.
I stopped giving my opinion because I don’t like being so different than my friends. I don’t need to be judged or argued with anymore. So I just.. keep it to myself, and I feel like I compromise my beliefs.
I’m devoting myself to bettering my life and bettering myself.
I’ve been told this isn’t necessary, but it is. I’m far more flawed than anyone realizes. I’ve gained so much negativity this past year, and I’m haunted by too much. I’ve been fighting this internal struggle for too long, and I’m tired of waiting for it to pass. I’ve lost myself, and I look in the mirror and wonder what happened. I’m not who, what, or where I want to be anymore.
I want myself back. I want the optimism, the faith, the love, the sense of careless adventure. I want to rid my life of the temptation, the guilt, the jealousy, the anger, and the fact everything bad haunts me forever. I used to love more than hate. I used to find the good in anything. Now I only find the reasons to be careful, because good may not be good after all.
So I’m documenting this journey, if you will, of finding happiness with myself. Because I can’t be truly happy, unless I’m happy with myself. And I want to be truly happy. For me, for you, forever.
I’ve been bleeding well From this old wound Cleaning it with salt, So it will still feel new Sometimes eyes turn black, And sometimes scars are tracks But every time that you’re gone I wish that you’d come back
And everyone watched me waste myself And everyone cheered at last And all of them found it comforting Its better it’s me than them.
I think I’m doing well from what they say They’ve taken both my belt and shoelaces away Well I believe in luck I think I do Well I’d believe for sure If ever I saw you
I’ve been fanning flames from these old coals Feeding them with tender And hoping they will grow And I’ve been savoring What I can’t hold A blind belief in goodness That doesn’t seem to show
But I’ve been bleeding well From this old wound Cleaning it with salt, So it will still feel new
(Carve Your Heart Out Yourself, Dashboard Confessional)
Auditioned today. Aside from nerves, I’d say I did a lot better than I expected, having not auditioned in two years. I was taken aback at my singing ability in that theater. Must have been good acoustics in there ;).
But, I’m a bit bummed that I didn’t get a callback, but it’s not the end of the world. Faced fear #3: Rejection. I just keep telling myself that I’ll get ‘em next time. And I will.
At least this way, I’ll have more free time to suck at pool and get my ass kicked by Colby. :)
When it comes to dating, is physicality important to you? Would you date a chubby/fat guy?
Physicality is obviously an important factor, as I’d assume it is for everyone. However, I wouldn’t base a date or relationship based on that alone. It depends on who the person is and whether or not there’s chemistry, compatibility, etc.
It feels like junior high all over again. I am so good at blending in, that no one even sees me. I guess I’m just more awkward in social settings than I have been. It doesn’t particularly bother me though. I mean, I wouldn’t mind having friends here, but I almost prefer to remain unnattached. It’s easier keeping to myself anyway. I’d rather sit here and blog in between classes than actually go do something. I kind of like the quiet, honestly. I’ve been somewhat of a hermit lately, with all the medical stuff and what not, and the thinking time has me falling back into the days when I was shy. By the looks of things, it’s going to be a long winter. But who’s to say that’s a bad thing?