In Deafening Silence

But sunflowers will always look towards the sun.

It’s time to lift my head up

and face the light I couldn’t see in darkness.

That my heart will lead the way.

Break, as it may.

It’s still mine. It’s in my chest. It beats to the sound of the music I make.

You can not and will not rupture it without my consent.

“My life is so screwed up.”

“Megan, that’s your fault.”

“I’m know, I’m stupid.”

“Yes. You are.”

And harsh as it sounds… I needed to hear it. And no, it’s not entirely my fault that my life is wrecked. But just because so much is out of my control right now, doesn’t mean that I don’t affect it. It’s my life. 

So… to the darkness I am facing, to my inner demons, to my sleepless nights,

Fuck you. 

Thank you. 

For you have helped me to understand that I am greater.

Maybe it’s time to give up.

Give in? … let go? … wait it out? … move forward?

Making choices like this cause the horrendous uproar of “what if’s” in my head.  I’ve been plagued for too long with this thought in the back of my mind. It’s destroying my insides.

My heartstrings are pulled all too tightly lately. If they snap, I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I may just be stuck here, in this middle ground of going nowhere, for a long while. I’m hoping when I decide what my next course of action will be, that I am making the right decision. But I’ll never know until I get there. 

I’m incredibly sick to my stomach thinking about it.

I’ll make the best of what I’ve got, regardless of the outcome. I have to.

“Hope… you are a dangerous thing when you climb so high. I’d fall so far if I tried to fly.”

I felt the needle inject desperation in my system.

I hate to admit that I’ve again fallen victim.

My heart is spinning, and I just can’t stand

The way you refuse to steady my shaking hands

          I’ll close my eyes,

          Tell me the sweetest of lies

          It’s all that’s keeping me alive

The tubes in my skin flow hope through these veins

I’m restless again, the bright lights are to blame

My scars spilt open, but it’s all in my head

Denying me hope after tears have been shed

          Warm blood turns cold

          I’m far too fragile to hold

          On every word, I seem to feed

          I hear I’m all you’ll ever need

This room feels uneasy with tools on the table

I would give you my heart, if only I were able

It beats and spills over, and I hate the sound

Of it begging me always to keep you around

          I’ll stay alive, 

          Just sing me the sweetest of lies

          Carry me away from this

          I’m dying slowly for this poisonous kiss

          You’re singing to me as my tired eyes cry

          Please don’t let love be my demise.

I’m sorry you don’t agree with my choices.

That’s why they’re mine.

Your say became void the second you walked away.

Fending for myself has never been so easy.

On my own?

Bring it on.

I wake up feeling more like him. Ha.

I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever be good enough.

But…. 

“I’m proud of my life, and the things that I have done.

Proud of myself, and the loner I’ve become.

You’re free to whine; it will not get you far.”

Oh, Max Bemis. How you just seem to understand. :)

I need a dream catcher.

A professional, native american, legitimate one.

I have awful dreams.

Won’t be falling for that.

Sorry.

There’s a reason venomous snakes are kept in cages.

I was looking so forward to tomorrow. I was supposed to get my stitches out from my wisdom tooth. But.. I just wouldn’t be Mego if something actually went smoothly. Ha ha. My lack of tooth started aching horribly today, and my dentist pulled me from work and into the office. Apparently, my gums have separated from my bone or something, and instead of ridding my mouth of stitches… I got more.  And BONUS! If they don’t adhere back to my teeth, I have to go see an oral surgeon. (I doubt it’ll come to that though.)

So by the time this is over, hopefully a week from now, I have my surgery to remove the cyst on my head. Oh, and my semester projects are due. 

The odd thing is, despite all the bad, I’m feeling very optimistic. I’m also somewhat amused at everything, seeing as it’s not as bad as things have been. (ie. last week’s events.)

But you know, July, I can’t let you bring me down. You’re still my favorite month of summer, and I still have faith in you. :) Not to mention…

I HAVE A PEN PAL :) :) 

Heck. Yes.

All I ask…….

July, please show me better days.

Love (and with all due respect), 

Mego:)

It’s been a tough week.

I miss Tyler every single day. I see his memory every time I go into work. His and Darrin’s funeral service was nice, and so many people were there. They’re so loved. I pray for his family and friends. I’m so thankful I had the opportunity to have him in my life.

I went back to school today. It feels weird to be somewhere where reality actually feels like reality. I have a lot of homework to do, especially since the semester is ending soon.

There’s been a lot weighing me down. I’ve been trying really hard. But there’s still a lot I’m working on comprehending. The past couple days have been so unreal. I feel a good change coming on, but I’m not sure how much more pain I’ll endure before it happens.

This is the worst summer I can think of. But I’m still holdin’ it down to keep myself above the crashing tides that are my life. 

On the plus side, I’m searching for optimism again. 

My newer lyrics are less dark, less sinister. They’ve got a glimmer of hope, and hopefully I can continue to write things that aren’t screaming cynicism. 

Stay away from me.

I’m drowning in defeat.

You’ve dug this hole, 

Now set me free.

Don’t want you to get the best of me.

Stay away from me

I’m falling to disease

You’ve injected poison

Now let me be.

Don’t want this sickness to destroy me.

Come close to me.

So I can hear you breathe.

I want to know you’re alive.

So I can see.

That you’re okay to live without me.

I’m tired. But not the sleepy kind. I hardly sleep as it is.

Things are too much right now.

Things are starting to internally bother me. My mind is strong, and my heart is stronger… but I can’t help the times one of them falters.

To Relapse: To revert back to; take a turn for the worse. 

Thought that was done. Maybe it is. Maybe I just need sleep.

I didn’t cry today. I’m either out of tears or just really emotionally drained. 

I’m not numb by any means. Every day is painful. But I’m keeping my head up the best I can.

 I feel the world shifting beneath me.

The sky grows dark, and it’s so hard to see

If the stars decide to shine tonight

I might just say things are gonna be alright

Nothing is at it seems these days

Where there are wills, they are never ways

But I will run, as mountains collide

I will jump, as the ground divides.

I’ll find the light, and fill the sky.

I’ll fight the darkness til the day I die.

Today was a good day.

I ran a lot of errands.  I picked up pictures, frames, etc and set out to Smith’s. I also am so thankful for the friends that helped out today. There are so many: Alex, Austin, Melina, Ihan, Whitney, Dylan, Mike, Sav, Kara, and so many more. I cannot list them all.

We set up a table with pictures of Tyler. Two of them were framed. The others were placed among the table, for friends, family, and co workers to keep. We had a big jar with his picture on it as well.  As I sat down at the table, I watched people pass by. They’d all stop and look, ask questions about the incident, and show their support. Many of his friends came in, members of his family, and even people who had never met him shared their condolences. One of our customers even began to cry.  So many people commented on his wonderful personality.  Seeing how much of an impact Tyler had gave me so much comfort. 

I had about six people ask me if he was my boyfriend. I laughed to myself each time, thinking about all the times he’d tell people I had the biggest crush on him. I wondered to myself if he got as much of a kick out of it as I did. 

I also had to break the news to Troy. He’s on vacation until Saturday, and everyone planned on waiting until he got back to tell him about Tyler’s passing. I completely disagreed. If that were me, I’d want to be told.  So I picked up the phone and called. I told him about Darrin as well; Tyler had introduced him to Troy before they left. He was devastated. He kept quietly saying, “Oh my God,” trying to comprehend it all. I tried not to cry so I could relay the information as calmly as possible. I’m glad I called him though. 

Being at Smith’s was so hard, but at the same time so comforting knowing Tyler was always there. Even though he probably disliked his job as much as the rest of us, he made it worthwhile. People were drawn to the table, and I know we started a good thing. His mom came in to see it, and she was so gracious.  She’s such an amazing, strong woman.  And I’m so thankful Tyler had such wonderful parents.

When the traffic of the store started to slow down, I looked down at a picture of Tyler and just gazed at it for a moment. I broke down and cried. His eyes were always so full of love. I miss hugging him and telling him how cute he was. :) I can still hear his voice.

“I love you, Megan.”

“I love you, Tyler Blais.”

And he’d get that adorable, bashful look on his face.

I couldn’t help but smile.

I never thought this would ever happen. I never thought we would lose someone so important.  But I know Tyler is eating vegan anything, rocking out with his best friend, and talking God’s ear off, telling him the most amazing stories and sharing his incredible perspective on things.

Today was a good day.  I hope Tyler knows how much he meant, and still means.

The world is small compared to the amount of love I have for that boy.

Your loving eyes brought light to mine.

I love the way you could make the world shine.

Your adorable smile melted my heart.

And even this world couldn’t tear us apart.

I’ll love you forever.

I’ll always remember

Everything about you.

The words you spoke were wise and true.

You could brighten my day without trying to

So much to say, but where do I start?

Tyler, I love you. You mended my heart.

I’ll love you forever.

I’ll always remember

Everything about you.

I love you so much. You had the purest heart, and I’m ever so grateful I got the chance to be a part of your life. Every day is tough. Every day brings me to tears. But knowing we have you with us in our thoughts and in our hearts, I’ll be okay. 

(Polly Pocket) :)

Tyler,

I love you. I always have, and I always will.

I miss you.

I can’t believe such an amazing person was taken away from us so abruptly, and nothing we can say or do can change what happened.

As I sit here in my room, I see the green sticky-hand you used to attack me with at work. You told me to keep it so nothing happened to it… and as silly as it seems, I will. I have a copy of the song I wrote you, that you kept in your wallet.  It made me feel so accomplished that you liked it so much. :) As for the acoustic song we wanted to do together, I feel terrible that we never got to finish it. But I promise you, I will finish writing it, and it will be “legit.”  

We had so many unfinished plans. So many things left unsaid. But I cherish every memory I have of you. I’ll look back and smile at every single one of them, as you always gave me a reason to do so. From singing to me in crazy accents to “my doughnut queen of a son Jimmy,” and everything about you, I hold so close to my heart.

I would give anything just to hug you one last time. Or say goodbye to you ten times like we did every time we parted. We didn’t get to say goodbye this time. I wish we had more time, Tyler. I wish I could have called you.. I wish I could have done something. But I know in life, things happen that we cannot control. You were too good for this world.. and the best friend anyone could ask for. We could talk about so many things… you had so much wisdom when given the opportunity to share it. I will never forget you, Tyler Blais. You will stay in my heart forever. 

I love you Tyler Blais.

To you, my dear.

You’re a snake in the grass

A ghost of my past

Two wrongs don’t make a right

So I’m letting go of you tonight

I give up on looking back

I won’t be your next attack

        I know your ways

        I’ve found you out

        I’m done with you

        And all you’re about

So I say goodbye

To you, my love

You’re my favorite disease

Just teasing to please

You’ll never save what has died

After all the times you tried

You’ll never break me down

I’ll never come back around

        I know your ways

        I’ve found you out

        I’m done with you

        And all you’re about

M.Golden

These walls have caved in

These stairs have grown weak

There’s no climbing back to

The broken home I keep

Out this door, I wander

No lights on in the street

I breathe in fresh air for the first time now

And exhale all defeat

Broken home, you’re all I’ve known

For days, for months, for years

Broken home, I’m all alone

But I’ve conquered all my fears

I’ve lost all that I’ve wanted

And I’m looking for a ledge

Between the life you want, and the life I lead

I’m stepping off the edge.

I’ll fall faster than I ever have

This risk is all my own

This shattered window screams my name

But it’s nothing but my home

The sidewalks are cracking quickly now

Your life fell through it all

The blood runs thin throughout this place

And I’m still standing tall.