It’s still mine. It’s in my chest. It beats to the sound of the music I make.
You can not and will not rupture it without my consent.
"My life is so screwed up."
"Megan, that’s your fault."
"I’m know, I’m stupid."
"Yes. You are."
And harsh as it sounds… I needed to hear it. And no, it’s not entirely my fault that my life is wrecked. But just because so much is out of my control right now, doesn’t mean that I don’t affect it. It’s my life.
So… to the darkness I am facing, to my inner demons, to my sleepless nights,
For you have helped me to understand that I am greater.
Making choices like this cause the horrendous uproar of “what if’s” in my head. I’ve been plagued for too long with this thought in the back of my mind. It’s destroying my insides.
My heartstrings are pulled all too tightly lately. If they snap, I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I may just be stuck here, in this middle ground of going nowhere, for a long while. I’m hoping when I decide what my next course of action will be, that I am making the right decision. But I’ll never know until I get there.
I’m incredibly sick to my stomach thinking about it.
I’ll make the best of what I’ve got, regardless of the outcome. I have to.
"Hope… you are a dangerous thing when you climb so high. I’d fall so far if I tried to fly."
I was looking so forward to tomorrow. I was supposed to get my stitches out from my wisdom tooth. But.. I just wouldn’t be Mego if something actually went smoothly. Ha ha. My lack of tooth started aching horribly today, and my dentist pulled me from work and into the office. Apparently, my gums have separated from my bone or something, and instead of ridding my mouth of stitches… I got more. And BONUS! If they don’t adhere back to my teeth, I have to go see an oral surgeon. (I doubt it’ll come to that though.)
So by the time this is over, hopefully a week from now, I have my surgery to remove the cyst on my head. Oh, and my semester projects are due.
The odd thing is, despite all the bad, I’m feeling very optimistic. I’m also somewhat amused at everything, seeing as it’s not as bad as things have been. (ie. last week’s events.)
But you know, July, I can’t let you bring me down. You’re still my favorite month of summer, and I still have faith in you. :) Not to mention…
I miss Tyler every single day. I see his memory every time I go into work. His and Darrin’s funeral service was nice, and so many people were there. They’re so loved. I pray for his family and friends. I’m so thankful I had the opportunity to have him in my life.
I went back to school today. It feels weird to be somewhere where reality actually feels like reality. I have a lot of homework to do, especially since the semester is ending soon.
There’s been a lot weighing me down. I’ve been trying really hard. But there’s still a lot I’m working on comprehending. The past couple days have been so unreal. I feel a good change coming on, but I’m not sure how much more pain I’ll endure before it happens.
This is the worst summer I can think of. But I’m still holdin’ it down to keep myself above the crashing tides that are my life.
On the plus side, I’m searching for optimism again.
My newer lyrics are less dark, less sinister. They’ve got a glimmer of hope, and hopefully I can continue to write things that aren’t screaming cynicism.
I ran a lot of errands. I picked up pictures, frames, etc and set out to Smith’s. I also am so thankful for the friends that helped out today. There are so many: Alex, Austin, Melina, Ihan, Whitney, Dylan, Mike, Sav, Kara, and so many more. I cannot list them all.
We set up a table with pictures of Tyler. Two of them were framed. The others were placed among the table, for friends, family, and co workers to keep. We had a big jar with his picture on it as well. As I sat down at the table, I watched people pass by. They’d all stop and look, ask questions about the incident, and show their support. Many of his friends came in, members of his family, and even people who had never met him shared their condolences. One of our customers even began to cry. So many people commented on his wonderful personality. Seeing how much of an impact Tyler had gave me so much comfort.
I had about six people ask me if he was my boyfriend. I laughed to myself each time, thinking about all the times he’d tell people I had the biggest crush on him. I wondered to myself if he got as much of a kick out of it as I did.
I also had to break the news to Troy. He’s on vacation until Saturday, and everyone planned on waiting until he got back to tell him about Tyler’s passing. I completely disagreed. If that were me, I’d want to be told. So I picked up the phone and called. I told him about Darrin as well; Tyler had introduced him to Troy before they left. He was devastated. He kept quietly saying, “Oh my God,” trying to comprehend it all. I tried not to cry so I could relay the information as calmly as possible. I’m glad I called him though.
Being at Smith’s was so hard, but at the same time so comforting knowing Tyler was always there. Even though he probably disliked his job as much as the rest of us, he made it worthwhile. People were drawn to the table, and I know we started a good thing. His mom came in to see it, and she was so gracious. She’s such an amazing, strong woman. And I’m so thankful Tyler had such wonderful parents.
When the traffic of the store started to slow down, I looked down at a picture of Tyler and just gazed at it for a moment. I broke down and cried. His eyes were always so full of love. I miss hugging him and telling him how cute he was. :) I can still hear his voice.
"I love you, Megan."
"I love you, Tyler Blais."
And he’d get that adorable, bashful look on his face.
I couldn’t help but smile.
I never thought this would ever happen. I never thought we would lose someone so important. But I know Tyler is eating vegan anything, rocking out with his best friend, and talking God’s ear off, telling him the most amazing stories and sharing his incredible perspective on things.
Today was a good day. I hope Tyler knows how much he meant, and still means.
The world is small compared to the amount of love I have for that boy.
I love you so much. You had the purest heart, and I’m ever so grateful I got the chance to be a part of your life. Every day is tough. Every day brings me to tears. But knowing we have you with us in our thoughts and in our hearts, I’ll be okay.
I can’t believe such an amazing person was taken away from us so abruptly, and nothing we can say or do can change what happened.
As I sit here in my room, I see the green sticky-hand you used to attack me with at work. You told me to keep it so nothing happened to it… and as silly as it seems, I will. I have a copy of the song I wrote you, that you kept in your wallet. It made me feel so accomplished that you liked it so much. :) As for the acoustic song we wanted to do together, I feel terrible that we never got to finish it. But I promise you, I will finish writing it, and it will be “legit.”
We had so many unfinished plans. So many things left unsaid. But I cherish every memory I have of you. I’ll look back and smile at every single one of them, as you always gave me a reason to do so. From singing to me in crazy accents to “my doughnut queen of a son Jimmy,” and everything about you, I hold so close to my heart.
I would give anything just to hug you one last time. Or say goodbye to you ten times like we did every time we parted. We didn’t get to say goodbye this time. I wish we had more time, Tyler. I wish I could have called you.. I wish I could have done something. But I know in life, things happen that we cannot control. You were too good for this world.. and the best friend anyone could ask for. We could talk about so many things… you had so much wisdom when given the opportunity to share it. I will never forget you, Tyler Blais. You will stay in my heart forever.